Tongue in Cheek History: The Song That Won the Cold War

The year was 1985 and the decades long Cold War was in full swing with the outcome still in the balance.  Throughout his presidency, Ronald Reagan’s administration would take on various leaders of the Soviet Union with Mikhail Gorbachev emerging as his challenger in 1985.  When Gorby took the reins of leadership he hoped to gain advantage over the United States with the ultimate goal of subduing the Western democracies to the Soviet way of life.  Little did he, or anyone else for that matter, realize that the most influential American of the 1980s and the greatest patriotic song ever (sorry, Irving Berlin) would bring victory to the United States.

Leading up to the 1980s, the United States was slowly sinking into a wussified nation.  Militarily, after leading Allied victories in the two World Wars the USA fought to a draw in Korea and then pulled out of Vietnam in a humiliating upset.  French Indochina/Vietnam was a 35-1 underdog when the USA entered the fray after the French (not surprisingly) ran away.  American society was weakened by drug-fueled hippies who believed in peace and love but not showers and jobs. 

The entertainment industry also worked to further the pussification of America.  No doubt, the closet Communists that Senator McCarthy did not get around to exposing in the 1950s still yielded influence in Hollywood.  A production that such people no doubt used to put fear into Americans was the 1983 miniseries The Day After.  The miniseries portrayed what life would be like after a nuclear war devastated the country.  Former Hippies, now called Yuppies but still dip-shits, and their pussy families were struck with fear at what might happen if the “mighty” Soviet Union attacked.   

In 1984 popular crooner Bruce Springsteen released a song called Born in the USA.  The song explodes with a catchy hook and rocketed up the charts.  The 1984 Reagan re-election campaign even used it as a theme song until Springsteen and his lawyers told them to stop.  On the surface the song sounds like it might be a patriotic anthem to unite the country.  However, if you actually listen to the lyrics it is about a disillusioned Vietnam veteran who returns home to a rough life.  Hardly the stuff of great patriotism or something that might turn the tide of the Cold War.

Speaking of the 1984 presidential campaign, Reagan’s victory was vital to winning the Cold War.  Fueled by a slightly improved economy along with an impressive medal haul from the Commie-free Los Angeles Summer Olympics, Reagan won a close contest against Walter Mondale, 525-13 in the Electoral College.  Mondale got double digits!  What comes after that?  Triple digits then after that, victory.  This was vital because as an alternate reality with Mondale as president would not have been pleasant.  In the alternate reality, on day 47 of a Mondale presidency the United States surrendered to the Soviets:

http://americandad.wikia.com/wiki/Walter_Mondale

    

So the stage was set.  Reagan was re-elected but still needed something—a spark, someone to enable him to pursue policies to defeat Commies and dictators.  Someone to provide hope to all Americans.  That someone would be the most important person of the 1980s, a giant among men—superstar pro wrestler Hulk Hogan.

In 1985 Hulk Hogan was on top of the professional wrestling world as the champion of the then World Wrestling Federation (WWF).  To win the belt, he had defeated the hated Iron Sheik, striking a measure of revenge for the Iran Hostage Crisis.  Hogan encouraged the youth of America to take their vitamins and say their prayers but he stayed out of the political arena.  The WWF did not want its most charismatic performer to make waves and offend fans by supporting a cause or political party.  However, Hogan knew his influence could assist in the fight against Communists but needed a way to throw his hat in the ring without ruffling feathers.  The method he would use to do this would be through a song he used for his ring entrances.

The song, Real American, was written and performed by rock music veteran Rick Derringer and was originally meant to be used as the ring entrance music for a WWF tag team, US Express.  However, when a wrestler from the US Express team left the WWF it was Hogan who took ownership of the song.  The lyrics illustrated perfectly the beliefs of Hogan—he was a real American and fought for the rights of every man.  Except for Commies, and probably gays (it was 1985), and women are not really mentioned either.  But nonetheless Hogan would not stand idly by if Commies were to ever infringe on the rights of his fellow Americans.

With Hogan’s support for the country, Reagan was emboldened to pursue policies to weaken the influence of the USSR and other dickheads around the globe.  In April 1986 the United States bombed Libya in retaliation of that nation’s support of terrorist groups.  In June 1987 Reagan challenged Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall.  The Soviets were shaken; Gorbachev had no choice but to implement Glasnost policies, which pretty much admitted that their way of life was not as good as the USA.  By 1991 the Cold War was over and the Commies had lost.

Fueled by Hulk Hogan and the perfectly matched song, the United States was able to triumph in the Cold War.  Only time will tell if Toby Keith’s ‘boot in their ass’ song will do the same with the War on Terror.      

Lyrics of Real American

I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside,

ya' gotta take a stand, it don't help to hide,
Well, you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,
I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

I feel strong about right and wrong,

And I don't take trouble for very long,
I got something deep inside of me, and courage is the thing that keeps us free,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride,

I gotta be a man; I can't let it slide,
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!
I am a real American, Fight for the rights of every man,
I am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

 

No Tea (Party) For Me, Thank You

Throughout history extremists have served as agents to change socially and politically.  Because they upset the status quo extremists are viewed as dangerous, sometimes rightly so.  The ideas of social extremists will sometimes take hold and eventually become the standard beliefs of the majority.  The ideas of political extremists will sometimes lead to dictatorships where the majority actually oppose the policies of the extremists but are oppressed into submission. 

In American history social extremists have included groups that fought for the rights of women, minorities, and gays.  In the beginning of these movements the supporters were viewed as loony and little attention was given by the majority of society.  In 1848 a convention on women’s rights convened in Seneca Falls, NY.  The group came up with a list of sentiments including the right for women to vote, own property, and obtain educations.  If you asked the average citizen of the time what they thought of these ideas he or she (most women of the time would have said they were crazy) would have proclaimed the Seneca Falls conventioneers as ‘rabble-rousers’ and their ideas as ‘hogwash.’  It would take decades but slowly society changed and those ideas eventually became mainstream beliefs. 

The Civil Rights movement was also slow to change society.  Beginning in the 19^th century and picking up steam in the 1950s and 1960s change came politically and judicially.  In 1960 if you asked a young person if they thought a black man would be president in their lifetime the most likely answer would be ‘no way.’  In more recent times the Gay Rights movement has succeeded in changing the attitude of a majority of Americans.  In 1990 if you asked a citizen about gay marriage you would most likely have gotten a blank stare and a reply of ‘never going to happen.’  

Political extremists capitalize on a nation’s problems and prey upon the fears of followers.  These groups start out small and focus on issues most people would agree upon.  They then affix blame for the nation’s woes on a group or groups of people, deserving of the blame or not.

The United States does have a huge debt problem--$16 trillion and growing.  A debt that has accumulated regardless of the political party controlling the White House or Congress.  When it seemed like the debt was finally getting under control in the late 1990s we had the terrorist attacks in 2001 and the subsequent wars that followed, along with the near economic collapse in 2008 and the Great Recession.    

Which brings us to the political extremists of today, the Tea Party members of the Republican Party.  Their agenda is for lower taxes and less government.  If you ask the average citizen if they thought the government should be smaller and if they want to pay lower taxes the reply would be ‘yes and hell yes!’  The Tea Party wants to take drastic measures to pay down the federal deficit by slashing spending.  This is somehow supposed to also be accomplished by slashing taxes resulting in reduced revenue for the government.   

Keep in mind the federal government spends trillions of dollars every year ($3.539 trillion in FY 2012).  Whether it is through direct employment, contracting, money sent to states, or even Medicaid most of the money goes to American businesses and workers.  Millions of citizens are the beneficiaries of this spending, which no other entity comes close to matching.  Those businesses and their workers pay taxes, sending some of that money back to Uncle Sam.  Government spending enables millions of citizens to achieve and maintain a middle class lifestyle.  Meanwhile, many business leaders in the private sector would gladly move operations from the states to a foreign nation to make slightly more profit.

Implementing severe cuts, as the Tea Party proposes, would negatively impact millions of American citizens and thousands of businesses.  That is why gradual reductions in spending are the best method of accomplishing debt reduction.  A gradual decline would allow businesses that work with the government to adapt as needed.  Whether that means operating in a leaner, more competitive fashion or transitioning to more non-government work to keep up revenues.  Huge cuts over a short period of time would jeopardize far too many businesses, workers, and would hit the middle class hard.  The economy would shift from the ongoing recovery back into a recessionary state.  The deficit took decades to grow so large; it will take just as long to pay down.