Why do I think this?
It begins when my oldest daughter started undergoing work for braces at
the age of 8. My first question was “Why
so young? I thought braces were for
teenagers.” To which the reply was, “If
work is done now it will not take as long to correct and set her teeth on the
proper path, etc.” This sounds sensible
so I complied.
Still, I commented “When she turns 15 there better not be a
need for more work.” After all, my wife
had braces as a teen and then again in her 20s.
I sensed this as a possibility and dread having to fork over thousands
of more dollars down the road.
Recently, my daughter got her top braces off and she now has
to wear a retainer basically all day and night (for 22 hours a day) for the
next year. Even though my now 9-year old
daughter is responsible and will no doubt do her best to comply I’m sure there
will be many times when she does not fulfill the ludicrous 22-hour
mandate. There will be times when she
forgets, misplaces it, or maybe breaks it and has to wait a week for a
replacement. Her first night sleeping
with it resulted in the retainer falling out of her mouth.
It was then that the grand scheme of the orthodontic world
hit me. No kid can meet that one year
timeframe of constantly wearing the retainer.
My wife told me that when she was a teen with braces she was not good at
wearing the retainer and that is why she needed them again at 25.
Even if my daughter is able to wear the retainer as expected
I have a sneaking suspicion that when she is 15 the following conversation will
happen:
Orthodontist: “Looks like we need to do some work.”
Me: “But she had all that work done when she was 8!”
Orthodontist: “Hmmm. Did she wear the retainer all the time in that first year?”
Me: “Yes! She was amazing! Never once forgot, lost, or broke it!”
Orthodontist: “Hmmm. Are you certain? Always?”
Me: “Well, the first night it fell out while she was sleeping.”
Orthodontist: “Oh that explains it. That is the most critical point.”
Me: “So you’re telling me that one night is the reason she needs work now?!”
Orthodontist: “Yes. That’ll be $5,000.”
Me: “Arrrrgggghhhhh!”
So by putting braces on 8-year olds the orthodontic world
has devised a clever scheme to get your money a third time! They probably call it the 8-15-25 plan. I’m sure the first doctor who came up with
the three times scheme is lauded in the industry and living on a tropical
island that he purchased. My only chance
to make it to that island is if when I’m 70 years old and the fishing trawler
I’m working on (to pay off my children’s orthodontic work) wrecks. I’ll barely manage to swim to the island
where the retired orthodontist living there will look at my mouth and say, “You
need some dental work. Come by my son’s
office.” That doctor will then be lauded
for devising the four times scheme and they’ll call it the 8-15-25-70 plan.
